Rest in peace to those who fell at Fort Hood today. It is a terrible tragedy to be attacked by the ones you trust the mst, your fellow soldiers. I can not imagine what it feels like, knowing one of your own caused such a tragedy, because I am not a soldier, but it must be horrible. I pray that the wounded havev a speedy and complete recovery and that justice is served for this tragedy. I also pray for the family and friends of the dad and wounded. My heart calls out to you...........

First and foremost, I would liek to apologize. when i write this i mean no disrespect to anyone at all or the decisions you make as a man or woman in this world. this is just my own personal feelings. They are probably not right, in which case I am willing to take the full force of whatever consequences that this entry entails.

War is a horrible thing. because of war, my loved one have to go and defend our country. some people are called to go and defend the country for various reasons. But I can not stand it. I am tired of, at least from my point of view, the armed forces taking the people I love.

It all started with a presentation in English several years ago. One of my close friends created it on behave of her cousin Ross. This noble, honorable and brave man saved  his team by sacrificing himself. A grenade was thrown into their humvee and he used his body to shield the blast. In doing so he gave his life while his team survived. The movie was touching and heartbreaking. Filled with pciutres of Ross smiling and laughing, old home videos etc. As it told the story, I look over at my friend. She was in tears, balling her eyes out as she relived her cousin's death. My heart broke seeing her that way. I prayed for her that moment and asked Godwhy do things like this happen. Clearly it is because of sin and it is because of sin that War is unavoidable. And that is why our loved ones end up serving and maybe even dying to protect us from sin and war. This day is forever inprinted into my mind.

This is becoming my reality as I live my life. As my friends and I get older, I notice that alot fo them feel moved to go and serve for our country, to protect our country and us.

My best friend wants to join the Marines. Everyday that goes by, I look at him and I think of him dying in the line of duty, mainly the way Ross did.. i try helping it but its so vivid in my mind. I see him nobelly sacrificing himself for his team mates and for our sake. I dont care what anyone says, it brings me to tears at times. He is my brother, he is my family, and the fact that he could die so brutally in a war tear me up in the inside. I think about him not being there and it is incomprehendable to me. I think of our stupid fights, our stupid jokes, the time we spent together, and then i think of a huge portrait of him in a beautiful yet morbid cemetery, an black casket and him laying there due to someone elses will; to kill him. It heart breaking.
 I love my brother alot. I do not want him to go and serve and maybe even be called out to the front line. But then, while I also do not want to go, another thought crosses my mind.

I feel God's pressence as i think my thought, and something alon the lines of comfort comes. I can't really explain it. It doesn;t change my mind about him going, but rather tells me to trust in Him. I do.

I know my friend wants to do this, more than anything and despite my feelings, whatever he decides, I will be behind him 99999999% encouraging him and being with him always. I fear for him, but i support him, He is going to go protect me and our country and do God's will, being one of God's warrior and fighting the War which is born of sin, the ultimate enemy. WE all ahve our part to play in the war against his, and this may be his. If that is the case i will be behind him, support him, and pray for him to be safe and trust in God to keep him safe. It's going to be hard, but I think I can do that.

About a year ago, I was watching VH1's Jumpstart, which is a three hour-ish block devoted to music video. It has this section called, " You Otta Know" which is a section for up and coming Artist. This day featured the group Augustana who debuted with a hit called "Boston." This song was very well played but, like most songs, the chorus really stuck in my head more than anything. It went like.....
She said I think I'll go to Boston...
I think I'll start a new life,
I think I'll start it over, where no one knows my name,
I'll get out of California, I'm tired of the weather,
I think I'll get a lover and fly em out to Spain...
I think I'll go to Boston,
I think that I'm just tired
I think I need a new town, to leave this all behind...
I think I need a sunrise, I'm tired of the sunset,
I hear it's nice in the Summer, some snow would be nice... oh yeah

I know I don't live in CAli and I deinitely not a girl but sometimes I feel this way about my life in Maryland. I think about going far away and starting a new lie somewhere else. Starting fresh, ya know? Where no one knows about Antwoine Ha'san Johnson. I honestly believe sometimes that people here would be better off i they had never known me or if I had never met them. I see myself causing people alot of grie and stress, burdening them. Of course no one is going to admit it but I don't really think I positively impact people's lives. Sure I might give some words here and there but anyone can do that. I think about like cutting the ties that bind, getting up and leaving because I think as a whole people here would be better off.

I never really saw mysel as a great contributing actor to anyone's lives. To me, everyone seems to have a purpose or is liked more or is respected more, and then there's me. You know how with some people, they go out there way to praise and say hi to certain people, or thing certain people are so much more important that they are considered all the time when doing things or thinking up plans or whatever... yea, that's never me. It's really selfish to want to be noticed and thought of alot, not ignored, and things like that, but I don't know. I just want to be appreciated and respected alot more than I am. People, I think see me as a joke and no one of any real importance. I want sometimes to go and make myself into the people who i wish i could be here. To be thought of. I dont know. that's just me i guess.....